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Monday, October 17, 2011

My School Monday: Driving on Fumes

It seems to be a recurring theme with me these days. Being overwhelmed. Drowning. I know I've missed some posting days and I apologize for that. I wasn't even going to have anything for today but I decided to pull back the curtain on what I'm feeling at the moment. It is 12:45 am on Monday and below is an excerpt from an email I just sent to my husband:

I'm awake in the middle of the night, feeling sick with stress. I'd dozed off but then startled awake and couldn't get back to sleep. It seems every area of my life isn't getting the time and attention it should. Tomorrow I have a dr appt in the morning which will cut into school time, and my meeting with the ES (Education Specialist) is this Thursday (can't believe it's been 4 weeks already). We're only half way through the Anne study guide when I expected to be done by the next meeting. I haven't done "school" with Trevor in a long time. Nothing is getting the time from me that it should. Not any of my kids, not the house, not my blog or my other writing, not the worship team, not my pets, not my friends, not you, not myself, not even God.

It's been almost a year since Trevor last went to the dr, I am way overdue for my exam, let alone I need a chiropractor, Kait never got a school photo, Trevor hasn't had his taken in a year and a half, I just feel nauseous right now. There's so much on the list and I don't know where to start. Last night I went to bed feeling peace, and earlier today I had peace. Now that peace is gone and I don't know why. I don't know what the priorities are when I can't fit it all in. I mean, I only have like half hour a day to do anything it seems. I think I'm failing at school. I really wish I could just focus on Kaitlyn (homeschool) every day but that's not life. I also wish I could solely focus on Trevor (toddler) or solely on writing every day too. It just doesn't work that way but I can't seem to figure out how it works at all. Reese's (the dog) stupid shots and papers are probably twice what they started out as, Brandon's library bill is still hanging over our heads, I have to put some time into fundraising for Brandon's DC trip or something, Amy is getting her hacking cough and needs to be healthy in time for her big spelling bee Friday, oh and I have to get everyone's halloween costumes rounded up not to mention it's time to do the Samaritan's Purse thing for operation christmas child. I never sent my friend her birthday card. there's dirt smudges on the door jamb of the garage door among myriad other places. We didn't get lunch meat for Brandon's lunches this week and we're low on snacks. And I can't BELIEVE we never even called to see how Sandy was feeling (after her back surgery).

I don't even know what should be on my to-do list for tomorrow besides my appt and the usual school stuff. I have a feeling we won't even finish every subject. It's the end of the year and we should be squeezing in those other appts before our deductible resets but when is there time for that? I'm completely freaking out right now and trying to avoid a melt down. I don't have time for one.


This is all on the heels of what I'd hoped was a lasting new-found peace in enjoying life while we're living it. Found after reading Ecclesiastes (great book). What happened between noon and midnight? I have no idea. But I can't seem to organize my thoughts on anything and therefore nothing gets done. My friendships fall by the wayside as I struggle to get through math and science at the very least. If that's you, please know it's not the way I want it. But right now, I'd do anything to have back the hours of sleep I've lost.


Joanne Sher said...

Oh, Michelle. Absolutely praying for you - for direction, energy, peace, hope, and productivity. Hang in there dear. Wish I were closer so I could help more tangibly.

Michelle Massaro said...

Thanks, Joanne! I don't know where the wave comes from but sometimes it just beats on my walls and freaks me out. I woke up wondering why I posted this, lol. But I guess it was because I needed the prayers of friends like you. So thank you very much!

Brandi said...

I will be praying for you, Michelle. You're going through such a busy and tough season right now. Please know that even though we haven't met personally, your fellow bloggers are still your Sisters in Christ. We care about you.